TOTAL ANNIHILATION!!

My blog was created when I was in my first semester of college and since then… well… A LOT has happened. If you’ve been keeping up with my blog, you’ve watched me rise and fall with the tide, crumbling at my worst and being VICTORIOUS at my best which is all great but when I go back and see everything I realize that I’ve grown and changed from so much that I’ve posted about. I’ve gathered and lost so much and my blog was my escape- like a diary that I shared with the world lol. Seeing everything and remember it all…. its not helped me further myself, just gave me somewhere to put the stupid shit I was going through and giving a few laughs along the waysome of it was clever, come on you know it was.

All-in-all I’ve decided to delete my blog and start a whole new one, one that I wont bitch on or anything lol so…. To everyone who reads my blog or sees it or what have you… Thank you and hopefully I’ll be seeing you around…

~Harlee McGinnis (of the soon to be former, YourHeartHasALackOfColor blog)

Fuck. This. Feeling. (explicit)

EVERYONE goes through something. EVERYONE has some kind of story. EVERYONE deals with shit that JUST. SUCKS…

FUCK. THIS. FEELING.

It sounds… SO stupid, I know and I know that it will come off as bitching but really. Fuck everything. I’m done.

 

You win mother fuckers! You’ve kicked me while I was down and I’m having one HELL of a time standing back up.

 

Expect the Unexpected…

Just a thought

So… obviously a lot has changed since I started my blog… I look back and read my posts from a year ago and I can almost see the spiral that sent me down, down, down and off my beaten path. Since dropping out of college, I’ve moved to Missouri to be with a guy that I thought would be my forever… only to have that be finished with after only a few weeks, I learned the value of a dollar with a man I had just met face-to-face that I should’ve known my whole life, I realized how hard driving on snow and ice is (haha, they don’t teach you that in Texas!), I met my Strawberry for the second time and who seemed to make everything a lot better… I wasn’t lonely anymore, I moved back home, moved Strawberry and then moved in with Strawberry and now I’m here… And I really didn’t expect anything like this to happen. I thought my adventure ended back in Stockton, MO with John but through some sick twists of fate… I made it something much more.

I’ve literally given up my future (at least putting it on pause for right now), met my father (for the first time at then-18 years), I met an AMAZING woman that I am very, very proud to call my step-mother, I burned a few bridges, made a bunch of mistakes, developed a hatred for grocery stores <_<, (through Mason) developed a whole different understanding of religion and its effects on a culture and a psyche, re-assured what I really want to do with my life and opened up to the idea of letting someone in that I had heard so much negativity of but they turned out to be an incredibly sweet and easy person (yes Faith, you) and I regret absolutely nothing from this experience…

Sometimes life throws you one hell of a curveball and sure there are some details I’m leaving out for personal measures but.. I’d honestly go back and do it all again. So here’s to you Mas and everyone else I’ve met thus far, you’ve done so much more than you’ll ever know…

 

Just a thought.

Moving too slow in the fast lane.

Things will never go your way and when they (rarely) do, its because something had to go wrong to go right. Recently they’ve cut my hours at works which means that I wont have enough money for rent for the new home… not really too terrible considering WHERE it is but it’s still pretty “sucker-punch-ya-to-the-gut-cuz-ya-thought-you-were-doing-all-of-the-right-things”… ya know?

I’m learning how to handle the heavy stuff… very slowly… and I cant really afford to be slow right now. I’m doing everything on my own and I’m becoming very, very stressed and buckling under the pressure of it all. I told myself at the beginning of the bad that I would never let Mason see me fall and I will still stand with that statement even if there’s cracks in the foundation. I am my own support system- Strawberry has the emotional support down though…

 

Just trying to make ends meet…

Just a thought.

Living on my last stretch

Money is so TIGHT! With my car out of commission and my health problems becoming more… well… problematic…. things are super, super stressful right now.

I’m so tired all the time and I have no idea what I’m doing besides just pushing the pieces of my life around and seeing where they’ll fit. Complicated situations, of course, arise frequently.

Recently, Strawberry and I were kicked out of my friend’s house (it was just for the weekend so our friend who Strawberry lives with can have alone time) so she could go to a rave and hang out with some people she met there… That was the first thing I read on my phone Sunday morning and she had been trying to get ahold of me since 8:30am (it was like 10-10:30 when I saw it).

I’m just so annoyed by everything lately and poor Strawberry gets the whole of it! Sorry Mas…

I’m just stretching all of my limits at this point and I’m bursting at the seams…

Things are getting lonely

if you’ve been following my crazy life blog thing, then you obviously know of Strawberry and such and yeah.

I officially haven’t seen and have barely spoken to my boyfriend in a month… it’s not fun and our relationship has officially hit the “not so long distance-long distance” mark…. yay…

We cant see each other often and when we get to its only for a while to few days which, of course, is NOT enough if I’m only going to see him once a month so… with this post…

Things are starting to get way too lonely…

Perfect imperfections.

Recently one of my friends has come to me asking for advice and such because he feels unconfident in himself and his self-esteem was really low. Of course I helped him out and I hope I helped to fix the problem in some way, but it got me thinking about everything that I’ve personally gone through and how I ended up the way I am now and the truth is, I’m much farther now than I was in middle and high school…

When I was in school, I was bullied for being one of the “weird kids” and I’ll admit, my fashion statements weren’t exactly exemplary (if you count dressing in a lot of black and boy clothes a fashion statement…) so I was looked down on by a lot by people and yes, comments were made. I was also judged unfairly because of my sexuality and what exactly I identified as at the time (that is for another post).

high school Harlee!

high school Harlee!

Because of all of this and some home-life crisis situations, my confidence was shot and I viewed myself as pathetic and worthless. I used to look in the mirror and just stare at everything I thought looked disgusting and I started to hate my body and everything that was happening to it. I’d to take red marker just before I got in the shower and circle all of the disgusting attributes: my stomach, my chin, my arms, my thighs, my chest… everything that I thought everyone was looking at all the time or I would squeeze the fat as hard as I could hoping that I could just push it or squeeze it somewhere else. I never believed in self mutilation but in my eyes, mentally harming yourself and physically harming yourself are weighed the same and I know what you’re thinking, just another girl complaining about such and such, but to me it was a very big deal. I remember I was sitting in class and these groups of boys who sat behind me were talking about me and my friend and they were saying how we are “fat and ugly” and it just destroyed me that someone could even say such awful things about someone they’ve barely met. That’s mainly what I struggled with all of high school and my solution? Drugs and alcohol! Isn’t that what it always leads to? No… but for real, when I was under the influence of anything, it only cured all of what I was feeling at the time but afterwards when I sobered up, I felt more disappointed in myself that I let it get anywhere near that far and it really didn’t help my situation and it ultimately played a part in me bombing my junior year.

It was after high school that I decided, “you know what? Fuck it” and I cut off all of my hair and made it into a pixie-ish bob thing and I dyed it blue and green and I literally stopped caring what anyone in my hometown thought or wanted because… I WAS GETTING OUT OF THERE! WOO! COLLEGE BABY YEAH! I started becoming more social and doing more things and getting involved with organizations and it really helped build my confidence. I surrounded myself with good friends and bad friends and acquaintances but again, it kind of felt like I was just catching up on everything I had missed in high school. I hadn’t matured at all and didn’t ever really do my school work- believe me, I’m an A-student with F-motivation. I stopped being this person who 100% cared and became someone I’m a little ashamed of and someone that not even I would look up to or live with (again Tori, I apologize that you met and lived with me at that time). I was living more for what I wanted than what I needed and I felt like I was entitled to that for all the wrong reasons. Obviously that whole thing wasn’t working out and I eventually failed a few classes so I decided… I’m going to go live in Missouri with my dad and do school out there, why not?

And we all see how that turned out.

I will say though that I’ve grown more in confidence and as a person more in the past 5 months than I have ever and I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer feel entitled to anything (besides what I’ve actually earned).

Obviously years pass and things kind of change… people get more mature as they get older and such, but I never really stopped viewing myself the way that I used to, I just stopped giving two fucks what others thought of the matter. Its my body and of course I’ll always think there’s something wrong with it but I really prefer to live for myself and be happy with that then worrying about what others think of it- you are your own worst enemy.

Now, I’m learning to love my imperfections and it is a long process but it isn’t impossible.

Buxom and happy.

Buxom and happy.

 

Just a thought.

 

My blog is more than I thought.

It’s pretty lame to get so excited about new followers but seriously though like… you’re boosting my ego and it’s great. I love this whole idea that people actually like what I’m posting or saying or doing and I think its even cooler when other websites will see my pictures and credit me in a post they made or have or whatever. My blog has been credited in an online newspaper and in an independent website thing and that is… completely different then what I was expecting so… yeah. I love that people like all of my crazy ranting and banter and gooey-love-sick stuff and my broken dream and whatever is found on my page ❤ so to my followers and to the people that just stop by…. seriously… thank you for everything.

King Strawberry needs to come and save me again.

Mason and I are no longer “long distance” but we are relatively long distance. He lives a few hours away from me now and I see him whenever he visits family in the town next to mine… I don’t see him as often as I would like and I never really get to talk to him but scarcely when he’s at him which depresses the ever living hell out of me.

I have a high anxiety of being alone both physically and emotionally so when I’m by myself, I usually curl up with my animals and there’s a lot of talking to myself and crying (which is pretty pathetic at my age, yes I’m aware.) This doesn’t mean I’m needy for companionship, it just means that every so often in a day I need to talk to someone or see someone familiar to calm a panic that I feel in my chest…

My issue right now is that I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I only got to talk to him for a couple hours one day in that time… depression is slowly starting to set in and as much as I try to distract myself which various jobs and projects, nothing seems to be working anymore and I’m at this point where I’m needing to talk to him or see him or feel him or kiss him or hug him or hit him or just…. be with him…

 

King Strawberry needs to come save me again and he needs to hurry.