Moving too slow in the fast lane.

Things will never go your way and when they (rarely) do, its because something had to go wrong to go right. Recently they’ve cut my hours at works which means that I wont have enough money for rent for the new home… not really too terrible considering WHERE it is but it’s still pretty “sucker-punch-ya-to-the-gut-cuz-ya-thought-you-were-doing-all-of-the-right-things”… ya know?

I’m learning how to handle the heavy stuff… very slowly… and I cant really afford to be slow right now. I’m doing everything on my own and I’m becoming very, very stressed and buckling under the pressure of it all. I told myself at the beginning of the bad that I would never let Mason see me fall and I will still stand with that statement even if there’s cracks in the foundation. I am my own support system- Strawberry has the emotional support down though…

 

Just trying to make ends meet…

Just a thought.

So who is Harlee?

So… I figured it would probably be a good idea to sort of  introduce myself and tell you a little about me since…. I haven’t done that yet. I’ve shared some big moments in my life and you still don’t know anything about what led up to those things so….

My name is Harlee Asher and I’m 19 years old (20 come the end of this year). I’m a Sagittarius :D! I’ve lived in Texas my entire life, give or take some months that I lived in Missouri, and I will probably never leave it again. My favorite color is red but I LOVE every color as well. I’m an acrylic chalk artist, the canvas kind- not side walk. I work for an Asian restaurant and its one of the more favorite jobs I’ve ever had. I’m LGBTQ* (some of my adventure of which are in My Heart is Full of Colors). I have a ginger boyfriend named Mason but I call him Strawberry. I have grey blue eyes. I love art in all forms, its very relaxing for me to do and to see. I love video games, super heroes, super villains, sci-fi, fanfiction, anime… all of it. I live by the motto: “adventure awaits!” and it puts me into a lot of compromising situations but what good adventure doesn’t right? I’m a “medical mystery” so to say. I love vegetables. I don’t/can’t eat a lot of red meat but I try to anyways (I need to stop that too.) I went to college. I dropped out of college. I’m paying student loans from college. I’m going back to college…. Lots of college… I’m studying to be a social worker. When I text or message people, I can never send a message that doesn’t have some sort or smiley in it but I hate emoticons. I typo constantly.

that’s basically my gist :3

Perfect imperfections.

Recently one of my friends has come to me asking for advice and such because he feels unconfident in himself and his self-esteem was really low. Of course I helped him out and I hope I helped to fix the problem in some way, but it got me thinking about everything that I’ve personally gone through and how I ended up the way I am now and the truth is, I’m much farther now than I was in middle and high school…

When I was in school, I was bullied for being one of the “weird kids” and I’ll admit, my fashion statements weren’t exactly exemplary (if you count dressing in a lot of black and boy clothes a fashion statement…) so I was looked down on by a lot by people and yes, comments were made. I was also judged unfairly because of my sexuality and what exactly I identified as at the time (that is for another post).

high school Harlee!

Because of all of this and some home-life crisis situations, my confidence was shot and I viewed myself as pathetic and worthless. I used to look in the mirror and just stare at everything I thought looked disgusting and I started to hate my body and everything that was happening to it. I’d to take red marker just before I got in the shower and circle all of the disgusting attributes: my stomach, my chin, my arms, my thighs, my chest… everything that I thought everyone was looking at all the time or I would squeeze the fat as hard as I could hoping that I could just push it or squeeze it somewhere else. I never believed in self mutilation but in my eyes, mentally harming yourself and physically harming yourself are weighed the same and I know what you’re thinking, just another girl complaining about such and such, but to me it was a very big deal. I remember I was sitting in class and these groups of boys who sat behind me were talking about me and my friend and they were saying how we are “fat and ugly” and it just destroyed me that someone could even say such awful things about someone they’ve barely met. That’s mainly what I struggled with all of high school and my solution? Drugs and alcohol! Isn’t that what it always leads to? No… but for real, when I was under the influence of anything, it only cured all of what I was feeling at the time but afterwards when I sobered up, I felt more disappointed in myself that I let it get anywhere near that far and it really didn’t help my situation and it ultimately played a part in me bombing my junior year.

It was after high school that I decided, “you know what? Fuck it” and I cut off all of my hair and made it into a pixie-ish bob thing and I dyed it blue and green and I literally stopped caring what anyone in my hometown thought or wanted because… I WAS GETTING OUT OF THERE! WOO! COLLEGE BABY YEAH! I started becoming more social and doing more things and getting involved with organizations and it really helped build my confidence. I surrounded myself with good friends and bad friends and acquaintances but again, it kind of felt like I was just catching up on everything I had missed in high school. I hadn’t matured at all and didn’t ever really do my school work- believe me, I’m an A-student with F-motivation. I stopped being this person who 100% cared and became someone I’m a little ashamed of and someone that not even I would look up to or live with (again Tori, I apologize that you met and lived with me at that time). I was living more for what I wanted than what I needed and I felt like I was entitled to that for all the wrong reasons. Obviously that whole thing wasn’t working out and I eventually failed a few classes so I decided… I’m going to go live in Missouri with my dad and do school out there, why not?

And we all see how that turned out.

I will say though that I’ve grown more in confidence and as a person more in the past 5 months than I have ever and I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer feel entitled to anything (besides what I’ve actually earned).

Obviously years pass and things kind of change… people get more mature as they get older and such, but I never really stopped viewing myself the way that I used to, I just stopped giving two fucks what others thought of the matter. Its my body and of course I’ll always think there’s something wrong with it but I really prefer to live for myself and be happy with that then worrying about what others think of it- you are your own worst enemy.

Now, I’m learning to love my imperfections and it is a long process but it isn’t impossible.

Buxom and happy.

 

Just a thought.

 

Beauty.

I’m a firm believer in the idea that beauty is a big part of everything and there will be some self righteous people who say that beauty doesn’t matter or

whatever but let’s be real, you wouldn’t enjoy anything of it wasn’t appealing in some way.

    However, when I say beauty I mean it in an awe-striking kind of way, like how this much beauty (skin or scenery or whatever) can be packed into something so simple and it be absolutely extraordinary.

It’s cheesy but I  love people watching and picking out my favorite thing about each person I pass, be it their smile or laugh or stride- something basic all the while searching for someone who meets my idea of perfection. Something so unrealistic and something so absurd that to find it would be sin in itself; impossible or unlikely.

I always come close and very rarely does everything almost fit together and whenever I find it, I can never stop staring…

A little unsettling being a little too careful

I’ve recently been involved with this really great guy that I have so much in common with and I often find myself thinking about him… and when I say often, I mean OFTEN. He makes me feel like I’m funny and I feel kinda comfortable and safe with him which scares me a little. The last time I felt this at ease was when I was with my ex fiance and that was only after a loooong time of being together, not this fast. I’m not rushing into anything, I don’t want to be disappointed should I expect more and don’t receive it but is it wrong to say that I’m falling? I want to know him so much better but I have this overwhelming need to talk to him and to hear his laugh and I want to make him feel like he makes me feel- like I’m home. It’s a little unsettling being a little too careful with him because it’s all I can do not to want to kiss him all over his strawberry goober gingerberry face. I want to stay guarded and I want to be distant, just until I know everything is okay but I feel so eased and mellow… I dunno… maybe this needs to happen, maybe he’s just the guy that I need to click into my crazy and messed up life and family, lord knows he might fit in.

Just a thought.

I just wanna go home.

   Things aren’t going as well as I had wanted them to since I moved here. I’ve learned a lot of things here and they’re more than enough to learn a lesson from; I wasn’t ready to leave everything behind yet. Between the whole mess with Jon and work/money situations and this overbearing complication with making friends, I really miss home. Stuff between Ryan, Tery and I aren’t coming over smoothly either. There’s a lot of fighting and a lot of behind-your-back bitching (there’s nicer ways to say it but I’m far too frustrated with the situation to care). I don’t think I would mind everything as much if I wasn’t absolutely by myself; I’m kinda done being “united and untied” to stuff and I’m ready for actual stability. Depression is setting in faster than I can find ways to fix it and all I really want to do is sleep and be to myself which doesn’t help any.

On a little brighter note, I recently got into contact with this boy that I’ve known since elementary school and had this major crush on before he moved away when we were in middle school. Since then, we have been in constant contact and its weird but I definitely still see this great and sweet guy who I happen to have a lot in common with c: When I talk to him I feel a little better about all this mess…

Hopefully I’ll return home soon.

Messy hair, don’t care.

Lonely.

No matter what way you look at it, that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been here for a while now and I’m just digging deeper and deeper into absolutely nothing. I’m not sad, I’m not upset by anything really…. just kinda lonely.

I recently moved out here (3 mo. ago) and I have no friends that live near me. I have work friends that seem pretty nice but I’ve got no movie hang out friends, no sleepover friends, no tell-secrets-to friends. It’s just me out here doing my thing but it doesn’t feel like its enough to do anything.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with anything right now so hopefully I’ll figure that out soon.

Just a thought.

Dealing with people.

I’ve not been on in a while so I’ll just update you a bit: I got a job at Walmart as a cashier about 3 months ago.

It’s not been all bad, mostly just a lot of repetition but as the job title implies I do have to take care of, handle and/or deal with customers. As an individual who gets nervous easily and needs to feel comfortable to become even remotely social, this job comes super easy to me aside from some snags. So… here is a list of things I’ve learned thus far on how to deal with people in both the workplace and in everyday life.

• Come prepared. You will constantly be surprised so just be prepared for anything, good or bad.
• Not everyone is your friend. They will pretend like they are and you can talk like you are but no, not everyone should be your friend.
• Don’t get discouraged. Shit happens, people make mistakes. Just keep going because it does work out.
• Ask for help. You do not have to know everything and no one is expecting you to.
• Find your center. It sounds cheesy but it helps when you need to refocus.
• Secure your quiet area. You will always been a debunker after every day, working or not. Its just good to have something that can help you wind down from everything.
• Learn who you can trust. This goes back to the friend thing, not everyone is nice enough to help you out when in need.
• Make a friend. Trust me, sitting alone at lunch sucks and sadly I do it more than I want to.
• Learn to laugh. This one is annoying and can be difficult but its required for a lot of things (especially in retail.)
• Don’t overthink the small stuff. There will always be something bigger that will come soon after.
• Pace yourself. Rushing sucks and when you’re sore and you’re handling something it sucks even more. just take your time, you’ll get it soon enough.
• Always have a pen on hand. I don’t know what it is about pens but its like they vanish; keep one on you incase of emergency or as a conversation starter.

Hopefully this can help.

Just a thought.

That hard word called “Single”

So, surprise! Things with Jon didn’t work out (this happened a while ago) and it turned into a messy situation really fast and though he and I are still really good friends, the break-up was really hard to get through. For right now, I’m coasting through things and just taking it as they come. I’ve started working so I can pay my bills and do things for myself now and I’m doing pretty okay! As for my love-life… let what comes as it may. I’m not going to search the ends of the Earth just for my “knight in shining armor”; if anything happens then it happens.

Adopting Your Own Kid.

So… if you’ve kept up with my posts, you know that I’ve recently moved to Missouri to be with my dad and my step-mom (and Jon) but the flip side of the whole thing is that I didn’t know of my father until I was 10 years old, didn’t contact him until March of 2013 and didn’t meet with him face-t0-face until November 2013 so its been a pretty wild year… but this post isn’t so much about my dad but about my step-mother, Tery.

Tery is easily one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met and her and I have so much in common. We like the same music, food, movies, same outlooks on things.. there’s just a lot (: Recently Tery apologized to me because she didn’t know if I would take offense to the fact that she’s introduced me as her daughter to everyone which I DO NOT!!! Tery and Ryan are definitely becoming a big part of my everything right now and I was just beyond happy to know that she’s accepted me so fast into a position that is so important and it’s nice to know that I’m in the family tree (and they’re introducing Jon as their son-in-law so he’s there too.)

I really think I’m gonna enjoy myself, just need to get over the culture shock of going from a city/suburb life to a middle-of-nowhere life.