Moving too slow in the fast lane.

Things will never go your way and when they (rarely) do, its because something had to go wrong to go right. Recently they’ve cut my hours at works which means that I wont have enough money for rent for the new home… not really too terrible considering WHERE it is but it’s still pretty “sucker-punch-ya-to-the-gut-cuz-ya-thought-you-were-doing-all-of-the-right-things”… ya know?

I’m learning how to handle the heavy stuff… very slowly… and I cant really afford to be slow right now. I’m doing everything on my own and I’m becoming very, very stressed and buckling under the pressure of it all. I told myself at the beginning of the bad that I would never let Mason see me fall and I will still stand with that statement even if there’s cracks in the foundation. I am my own support system- Strawberry has the emotional support down though…

 

Just trying to make ends meet…

Just a thought.

Things are getting lonely

if you’ve been following my crazy life blog thing, then you obviously know of Strawberry and such and yeah.

I officially haven’t seen and have barely spoken to my boyfriend in a month… it’s not fun and our relationship has officially hit the “not so long distance-long distance” mark…. yay…

We cant see each other often and when we get to its only for a while to few days which, of course, is NOT enough if I’m only going to see him once a month so… with this post…

Things are starting to get way too lonely…

Meeting Strawberry (this is a good one!)

1. 3. Strawberry and I met in elementary school sometime around 3rd grade. I had this massive crush (one of those cute little childhood ones)

    on him but he didn’t know anything of that and we were just best friends. I loved how eccentric and different he was and he was funny and sweet and a good friend; all the good stuff.

3. In the 6th grade my feelings didn’t really change; he was still my best friend and I still liked him but he really had a thing for one of my best friends at the time so of course, you stay quiet and just watch with slight jealousy but because its middle school and you’ve got all this awkward emotional turmoil and hormones and junk.. not fun. He ended up moved away that year and we didn’t talk after that. It was a little heart breaking but I still thought we would eventually see each other again. I feel like it was a good thing and a bad thing that he left because 6th-9th grade I was bullied and made fun of for being in the “weird kid” group and no one ever looked at me or thought of me the way I had seen him and it ended with me setting a very high and almost unachievable standard based loosely on Strawberry himself.

5. Around this time I had met Jon, my now ex-fiancé, and my standards began to change a bit to fit the needs and wants that I saw in both personalities and styles. I wanted someone tall, someone who was strong (or at least stronger than me), someone who could make me laugh and make me feel happy. They had to be able to fluctuate with my ever changing ideas and needs and they had to have passion in something and they had to love reading or writing or drawing or painting- I wanted someone creative. They had to have red hair (Strawberry) or black and curly hair (Jon) and they had to have dark eyes or green eyes (because those are my favorites, not because of anyone specific) and the list just goes on and it created this perfection that I strived to find but never really came close to.

!!!This is the good part!!!

Years had now passed and I had since then graduated high school, went to college, dropped out of college, got engaged, ran off with my boyfriend to my dad’s, had my heart completely broken and was working a dead end job being miserable in Missouri (Misery, ha!) There was always a thought in my mind that I missed Mason and many times since he had moved, I looked for him on Myspace or Facebook and one day… I found him. He OBVIOUSLY looks COMPLETELY different, yet still the same and I got so excited that I had wanted to cry. My feelings had long since disappeared  but I was just so elated that I had found one of my most favorite people ever and had the chance to once again reconnect. Now, in full honesty, I was terrified that he wouldn’t remember me at all and had turned into one of those guys I had dealt with my whole life- douche-y, arrogant, obnoxious, always thought he was funny but wasn’t… one of those guys, but to my surprise, he wasn’t like that at all. He was sweet, genuinely funny, remembered me (yay!), and was just… everything that I remembered and more and it was then that everything I had felt, all the happiness and the missing him and loneliness and craziness… everything just kind of came rushing back and I fell for this guy that I hadn’t seen in 7 years who lived back in my home state! We talked for a long time and soon after, our phone conversations lasted 5 hours and then 9 hours and then 11 hours and then 15 hours, all the while keeping some kind of conversation flowing. It was then that I decided that I would tell him how I felt and I made it clear that if he didn’t feel the same it wouldn’t change our friendship at all but I got lucky and he said he liked me back! ^^ That night he asked if I would be his girlfriend to which I said yes and we’ve been together since. I can honestly say that Mason fulfills everything about my “perfect lover” profile and so much more and I feel so thankful to have him in my life once more…

Since that time… I’ve moved back to Texas, got a new job, fell crazy in-love with Strawberry, stopped talking to Jon and I’m just… the happiest I’ve been in a very long time…

Strawberry and I making goofy faces c:

Jon’s usual face

King Strawberry needs to come and save me again.

Mason and I are no longer “long distance” but we are relatively long distance. He lives a few hours away from me now and I see him whenever he visits family in the town next to mine… I don’t see him as often as I would like and I never really get to talk to him but scarcely when he’s at him which depresses the ever living hell out of me.

I have a high anxiety of being alone both physically and emotionally so when I’m by myself, I usually curl up with my animals and there’s a lot of talking to myself and crying (which is pretty pathetic at my age, yes I’m aware.) This doesn’t mean I’m needy for companionship, it just means that every so often in a day I need to talk to someone or see someone familiar to calm a panic that I feel in my chest…

My issue right now is that I haven’t seen him in two weeks and I only got to talk to him for a couple hours one day in that time… depression is slowly starting to set in and as much as I try to distract myself which various jobs and projects, nothing seems to be working anymore and I’m at this point where I’m needing to talk to him or see him or feel him or kiss him or hug him or hit him or just…. be with him…

 

King Strawberry needs to come save me again and he needs to hurry.

Not so Single?

So… Mason asked me out? I’m excited for it and hopefully it can survive the long distance until I can get home. I’ll take it as a good sign c:

 

I just wanna go home.

   Things aren’t going as well as I had wanted them to since I moved here. I’ve learned a lot of things here and they’re more than enough to learn a lesson from; I wasn’t ready to leave everything behind yet. Between the whole mess with Jon and work/money situations and this overbearing complication with making friends, I really miss home. Stuff between Ryan, Tery and I aren’t coming over smoothly either. There’s a lot of fighting and a lot of behind-your-back bitching (there’s nicer ways to say it but I’m far too frustrated with the situation to care). I don’t think I would mind everything as much if I wasn’t absolutely by myself; I’m kinda done being “united and untied” to stuff and I’m ready for actual stability. Depression is setting in faster than I can find ways to fix it and all I really want to do is sleep and be to myself which doesn’t help any.

On a little brighter note, I recently got into contact with this boy that I’ve known since elementary school and had this major crush on before he moved away when we were in middle school. Since then, we have been in constant contact and its weird but I definitely still see this great and sweet guy who I happen to have a lot in common with c: When I talk to him I feel a little better about all this mess…

Hopefully I’ll return home soon.

Messy hair, don’t care.

Lonely.

No matter what way you look at it, that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’ve been here for a while now and I’m just digging deeper and deeper into absolutely nothing. I’m not sad, I’m not upset by anything really…. just kinda lonely.

I recently moved out here (3 mo. ago) and I have no friends that live near me. I have work friends that seem pretty nice but I’ve got no movie hang out friends, no sleepover friends, no tell-secrets-to friends. It’s just me out here doing my thing but it doesn’t feel like its enough to do anything.

I don’t really know what I’m doing with anything right now so hopefully I’ll figure that out soon.

Just a thought.

Romance.

Personally, I feel like romance is a big, big, BBIIIGGGG part of a relationship, even if that relationship has lasted decades and I don’t mean that the relationship has to be ALL ABOUT romance… the little stuff is just as important as the big stuff… I’m saying that it is really, really nice to feel special and feel completely in love and have all of that mushy gooey crap even if its just for a minute; its nice to be reminded of the feelings you felt the very first time you kissed your special someone or the excitement of your first date or the moment you knew you were completely head over heels in love… Sometimes that is all someone really needs to make them feel better about anything.

 

Just a thought…