So who is Harlee?

So… I figured it would probably be a good idea to sort of  introduce myself and tell you a little about me since…. I haven’t done that yet. I’ve shared some big moments in my life and you still don’t know anything about what led up to those things so….

My name is Harlee Asher and I’m 19 years old (20 come the end of this year). I’m a Sagittarius :D! I’ve lived in Texas my entire life, give or take some months that I lived in Missouri, and I will probably never leave it again. My favorite color is red but I LOVE every color as well. I’m an acrylic chalk artist, the canvas kind- not side walk. I work for an Asian restaurant and its one of the more favorite jobs I’ve ever had. I’m LGBTQ* (some of my adventure of which are in My Heart is Full of Colors). I have a ginger boyfriend named Mason but I call him Strawberry. I have grey blue eyes. I love art in all forms, its very relaxing for me to do and to see. I love video games, super heroes, super villains, sci-fi, fanfiction, anime… all of it. I live by the motto: “adventure awaits!” and it puts me into a lot of compromising situations but what good adventure doesn’t right? I’m a “medical mystery” so to say. I love vegetables. I don’t/can’t eat a lot of red meat but I try to anyways (I need to stop that too.) I went to college. I dropped out of college. I’m paying student loans from college. I’m going back to college…. Lots of college… I’m studying to be a social worker. When I text or message people, I can never send a message that doesn’t have some sort or smiley in it but I hate emoticons. I typo constantly.

that’s basically my gist :3

Perfect imperfections.

Recently one of my friends has come to me asking for advice and such because he feels unconfident in himself and his self-esteem was really low. Of course I helped him out and I hope I helped to fix the problem in some way, but it got me thinking about everything that I’ve personally gone through and how I ended up the way I am now and the truth is, I’m much farther now than I was in middle and high school…

When I was in school, I was bullied for being one of the “weird kids” and I’ll admit, my fashion statements weren’t exactly exemplary (if you count dressing in a lot of black and boy clothes a fashion statement…) so I was looked down on by a lot by people and yes, comments were made. I was also judged unfairly because of my sexuality and what exactly I identified as at the time (that is for another post).

high school Harlee!

Because of all of this and some home-life crisis situations, my confidence was shot and I viewed myself as pathetic and worthless. I used to look in the mirror and just stare at everything I thought looked disgusting and I started to hate my body and everything that was happening to it. I’d to take red marker just before I got in the shower and circle all of the disgusting attributes: my stomach, my chin, my arms, my thighs, my chest… everything that I thought everyone was looking at all the time or I would squeeze the fat as hard as I could hoping that I could just push it or squeeze it somewhere else. I never believed in self mutilation but in my eyes, mentally harming yourself and physically harming yourself are weighed the same and I know what you’re thinking, just another girl complaining about such and such, but to me it was a very big deal. I remember I was sitting in class and these groups of boys who sat behind me were talking about me and my friend and they were saying how we are “fat and ugly” and it just destroyed me that someone could even say such awful things about someone they’ve barely met. That’s mainly what I struggled with all of high school and my solution? Drugs and alcohol! Isn’t that what it always leads to? No… but for real, when I was under the influence of anything, it only cured all of what I was feeling at the time but afterwards when I sobered up, I felt more disappointed in myself that I let it get anywhere near that far and it really didn’t help my situation and it ultimately played a part in me bombing my junior year.

It was after high school that I decided, “you know what? Fuck it” and I cut off all of my hair and made it into a pixie-ish bob thing and I dyed it blue and green and I literally stopped caring what anyone in my hometown thought or wanted because… I WAS GETTING OUT OF THERE! WOO! COLLEGE BABY YEAH! I started becoming more social and doing more things and getting involved with organizations and it really helped build my confidence. I surrounded myself with good friends and bad friends and acquaintances but again, it kind of felt like I was just catching up on everything I had missed in high school. I hadn’t matured at all and didn’t ever really do my school work- believe me, I’m an A-student with F-motivation. I stopped being this person who 100% cared and became someone I’m a little ashamed of and someone that not even I would look up to or live with (again Tori, I apologize that you met and lived with me at that time). I was living more for what I wanted than what I needed and I felt like I was entitled to that for all the wrong reasons. Obviously that whole thing wasn’t working out and I eventually failed a few classes so I decided… I’m going to go live in Missouri with my dad and do school out there, why not?

And we all see how that turned out.

I will say though that I’ve grown more in confidence and as a person more in the past 5 months than I have ever and I’m pretty proud of that. I no longer feel entitled to anything (besides what I’ve actually earned).

Obviously years pass and things kind of change… people get more mature as they get older and such, but I never really stopped viewing myself the way that I used to, I just stopped giving two fucks what others thought of the matter. Its my body and of course I’ll always think there’s something wrong with it but I really prefer to live for myself and be happy with that then worrying about what others think of it- you are your own worst enemy.

Now, I’m learning to love my imperfections and it is a long process but it isn’t impossible.

Buxom and happy.

 

Just a thought.

 

Meeting Strawberry (this is a good one!)

1. 3. Strawberry and I met in elementary school sometime around 3rd grade. I had this massive crush (one of those cute little childhood ones)

    on him but he didn’t know anything of that and we were just best friends. I loved how eccentric and different he was and he was funny and sweet and a good friend; all the good stuff.

3. In the 6th grade my feelings didn’t really change; he was still my best friend and I still liked him but he really had a thing for one of my best friends at the time so of course, you stay quiet and just watch with slight jealousy but because its middle school and you’ve got all this awkward emotional turmoil and hormones and junk.. not fun. He ended up moved away that year and we didn’t talk after that. It was a little heart breaking but I still thought we would eventually see each other again. I feel like it was a good thing and a bad thing that he left because 6th-9th grade I was bullied and made fun of for being in the “weird kid” group and no one ever looked at me or thought of me the way I had seen him and it ended with me setting a very high and almost unachievable standard based loosely on Strawberry himself.

5. Around this time I had met Jon, my now ex-fiancé, and my standards began to change a bit to fit the needs and wants that I saw in both personalities and styles. I wanted someone tall, someone who was strong (or at least stronger than me), someone who could make me laugh and make me feel happy. They had to be able to fluctuate with my ever changing ideas and needs and they had to have passion in something and they had to love reading or writing or drawing or painting- I wanted someone creative. They had to have red hair (Strawberry) or black and curly hair (Jon) and they had to have dark eyes or green eyes (because those are my favorites, not because of anyone specific) and the list just goes on and it created this perfection that I strived to find but never really came close to.

!!!This is the good part!!!

Years had now passed and I had since then graduated high school, went to college, dropped out of college, got engaged, ran off with my boyfriend to my dad’s, had my heart completely broken and was working a dead end job being miserable in Missouri (Misery, ha!) There was always a thought in my mind that I missed Mason and many times since he had moved, I looked for him on Myspace or Facebook and one day… I found him. He OBVIOUSLY looks COMPLETELY different, yet still the same and I got so excited that I had wanted to cry. My feelings had long since disappeared  but I was just so elated that I had found one of my most favorite people ever and had the chance to once again reconnect. Now, in full honesty, I was terrified that he wouldn’t remember me at all and had turned into one of those guys I had dealt with my whole life- douche-y, arrogant, obnoxious, always thought he was funny but wasn’t… one of those guys, but to my surprise, he wasn’t like that at all. He was sweet, genuinely funny, remembered me (yay!), and was just… everything that I remembered and more and it was then that everything I had felt, all the happiness and the missing him and loneliness and craziness… everything just kind of came rushing back and I fell for this guy that I hadn’t seen in 7 years who lived back in my home state! We talked for a long time and soon after, our phone conversations lasted 5 hours and then 9 hours and then 11 hours and then 15 hours, all the while keeping some kind of conversation flowing. It was then that I decided that I would tell him how I felt and I made it clear that if he didn’t feel the same it wouldn’t change our friendship at all but I got lucky and he said he liked me back! ^^ That night he asked if I would be his girlfriend to which I said yes and we’ve been together since. I can honestly say that Mason fulfills everything about my “perfect lover” profile and so much more and I feel so thankful to have him in my life once more…

Since that time… I’ve moved back to Texas, got a new job, fell crazy in-love with Strawberry, stopped talking to Jon and I’m just… the happiest I’ve been in a very long time…

Strawberry and I making goofy faces c:

Jon’s usual face

Growing Up Sucks.

I made the looooong trip back home yesterday, following my family across 3 state lines and its definitely been a journey. I remember when I was in college and thought the world was at my fingertips, easy to achieve the high standard without trying- and as you can see I was waaaaay wrong. College was fun but I never took it seriously and fucked around with too many things to really focus on what and where I needed to go and do and I dragged a great friend and a great roommate into that (sorry Tori!!)

There are few things I really regret in life and taking advantage of bad situations is a big one and I can definitely say that dorm life is different than living on your own and living in your home. I’ve grown more in the last 4 months than I ever did in college and within reason. I’ve experience stupidity at its finest, the loss of someone you loved, deterioration of “lasting relations”, going daaaaayyysss without eating anything because I never had money, working nights to never being able to afford gas, learning the true value of what a dollar can buy you, fighting to stand against a man I thought I could trust with my blood and it all pieced together to form a new view on my situations.

I learned I wasn’t ready to do things on my own, wasn’t as mature or level headed as I had thought and it took a big smack in the face and stomp on the hand to really help me see that so… as an update:

I’ve been working to save up for emergencies, moved back home to cut down living expenses, couponing-price matching to save cash; falling short many times, have barely enough to pay my bills and have gas for my car, realizing that a box of cheez-its and a few apples can be a meal for the next 3 days (maybe some rice somewhere in there), found a guy who makes me laugh~ let me do mah shiz on my own king Strawberry!, and holding true to every promise and owning up to every mistake I’ve ever made.

Growing up sucks.

 

among the wreckage from moving last night

Sometimes, papers just can’t get done.

I’ve openly accepted that sometimes essays that are due tomorrow, and need last minute touch ups, just wont get done. Sometimes they just sit there, open on your dash and look at you as you procrastinate on Facebook and Skype while your friends blast music that sounds like its from the movie Shrek behind you.

And you wont leave because you don’t want to sleep and you know that maybe, just maybe, you’ll be more productive outside of your room than in it.

But it’s all good…

~Just a thought

Being “Sophisticatedly Different”

If you have seen my posts, you’ve somewhere seen “sophisticatedlydifferentharlee“.

Being “sophisticatedly different” pretty much means just being weird; not creepy weird but in a personality kind of way. One of my friends, every time I would say something different or funny or anything to her, she would say, “weirdo” and I would reply with, “I’m not weird, I’m sophisticatedly different.” and thus began everything.

So be proud to be “sophisticatedly different” and happy with who you are whether it be silly, funny, stupid, or even weird. ;]

Just a thought.

Your opinions on facebook and you.

Okay.. so…. I feel like if you post something “controversial” publicly on your Facebook page, you should expect to see other people’s opinions on it too. If you post something about how religion is trash, things that you think about politics or even things as simple as a personal opinion of yours, you shouldn’t be offended if someone with opposing views from yours steps up and says something. That doesn’t mean you should be rude or trash talk something just to talk, it means that should your opinion oppose (or support) such ideas, you need to have a valid point with valid proof. Don’t be the person that says “[Insert your argument here] is right/wrong/this way/that way because I think it is and there for it is true.” You look uninformed and, when someone calls you out on the matter and you get offended, insecure.

and remember… some people troll… learn the difference between a playful argument and a serious one.

Just a thought.

American Horror Story and Bridegroom

Today in itself was a glorious but long day. There were conferences for my classes, I got my blood work back and I got to watch a beautiful and sad movie called “Bridegroom”.

Bridegroom is a documentary about a couple named Shane and Tom who were completely and madly in love. They wanted a home together, to be married, to have a family, to have their eternal. On Shane’s side, his family embraced and loved Tom, but on Tom’s side, they shunned and hated the idea of him being gay and blamed Shane for all of it. Gradually as Shane and Tom’s relationship lasted though, Tom’s mother began coming around and getting used to everything and the idea of loving Shane as well. Not long after everything had been turning up, on May 7, 2011, Tom accidently falls four stories and hits the concrete pavement below when goofing off with one of his friends. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see everyone around Shane and Tom be effected by his death and more so to watch as Tom’s family completely rejects Shane and doesn’t allow him to attend the funeral. This movie truly was one of the most amazing ones that I have seen about a gay couple.

Once the movie was finished, it was ALL me and Tori could talk about for a good 30 minutes. We discussed our favorite and least favorite parts while hurrying home to make it back before 9 pm so we could watch American Horror Story: Coven.

All-in-all, everything today was great. The results for my test came back as I thought they would, I got to spend an evening with my AMAZING Pride family, and I got to watch my favorite T.V. show with my best friend. A great ending to a great day.

 

After a long day of school

 

Pajama Pants and Little Band-aids

Personally I’m very, very afraid of doctor’s offices. They are so… white and dull and full of things like tongue pressers and rubber gloves *shivers* ugh… This isn’t a hatred or anything towards the profession, I have a lot of respect towards it, I just hate the idea that I can go in perfectly fine and come out not-so-fine…

And needles.

Today I had to get blood drawn and tested to test certain levels in my body to make sure the are all what they should be- I had gone in because my back was sore.

Needless (haha… looks like needles) to say, I cried like a little hysterical baby. Every time they tried to get near me with the needle I would retch away and yell at them not to stick me. It eventually escalated to me begging them not to stick me which is sad because I’m a grown ass woman. It was only after I had Tori run a mile to the clinic and hold my hand that I even let them put the needle in and even then I only sat there for 3 minutes.

I’m not ashamed though. I faced a big fear of mine and while I’m still afraid of needles, I got through it!

After our prickly adventure, Tori and I went back to our dorm and decided that the rest of that day would be filled with anime, scary movies and played out in the comfort of our pajamas! A well earned trophy for the both of us 😀

Tori and My pajamas!

Meet Tori! :D

Meet Tori My roommate!! 😀

She’s my best friend and one of the people that helps me when college sucks XD

This girl has definitely been around for the majority of my adventures and is my partner in crime >:D!